the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
