it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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