Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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