So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
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