He uses pillows to masturbate.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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