So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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