Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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