just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
