I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
