I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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