listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
