Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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