im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
