you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
