My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
