so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
