You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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