I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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