I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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