I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
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