I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
