This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
