Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
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