I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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