Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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