Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
