One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
