i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I can't turn off my feet"
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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