You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
