when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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