Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize