i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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