I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
