dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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