I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
