im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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