my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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