I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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