Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
