i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
