So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize