I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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