mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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