i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
