Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
