Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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