1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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