I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He felt like a one man threesome
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize
