Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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