It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i think i have two assholes
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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