I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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