I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
