you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
