fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize