Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
