tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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