discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
