i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
