you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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