david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize