Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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