Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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