I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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