her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
