The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
