Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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